*Or How does a single person do hospitality? By Laura Porteous
(Other alternative titles included “Hospitality, a cheat sheet”, “Hospitality by a Single Pringle”)
My parents have an amazing capacity for caring for others. As I was growing up they’d have visitors to stay for a couple of nights, they’d have students back to ours for lunch after church or Dad would take a call late at night, drop everything and make time for a friend when they rang-up and needed to chat about an urgent problem they were having. As a child I saw first hand what it’s like to be hospitable and I can’t thank my parents enough for their Godly example. I remember my mum often saying ‘I’ll just stick a bit more stock in the soup’ or ‘I’m sure we can rustle something up’ whenever I asked, usually last minute, whether a friend could – pretty please! – come for dinner. The notion of not having enough food was never a worry for her, there was always something that could be made, even if it did mean that the portions were slightly smaller for everyone round the table!
Through having people over at the house, I learnt from a young age that everyone has a story to tell, that we can all learn from one another and that even if it doesn’t seem like we have much in common the differences can lead us to understand another culture and grow in understanding of others. I’m sure most people would say that hospitality is more beneficial for the one receiving, but I know first hand the joy and privilege it is to be the host too.
The heart of hospitality
I guess with this experience of hospitality, I always assumed that I would follow in my parents’ footsteps: get married and show hospitality as husband and wife. I spent my student days living at home so continued to enjoy hosting people with my parents. But what would hospitality look like without the ease of home comforts and as a single person? It wasn’t until I was living away from home, working with students for a year with a flatmate that I spread my hospitality wings. I’d decided, along with my flatmate, that we wanted to have an open door policy – students were free to come over whenever to chat, hang out, eat or just study in a different place. If they needed honest and serious, we could do that. If they just needed a laugh and a switch-off from the world we were definitely there for that too!
The biggest thing I’ve learnt about hospitality in our homes over the years is that it’s just about being yourself and letting people into your life. It’s sharing with others who you are and caring for them practically with friendship and often food. The obstacles like not having a tidy house or not having enough time shouldn’t stop you. We all need to eat and a house that doesn’t look like a show home will often make people feel more relaxed! When we invite people into our space, we can sometimes feel self-conscious but I’m convinced that the little bit of discomfort is totally outweighed by the friendships and conversations that can be formed over a cuppa and a comfy chair.
The flexibility of hospitality
But what if you’re not really in a position to have people in your home for whatever reason that may be? This was me in 2019 (before we all had to shut up shop) when I bought and moved into my first flat on my own. It was a proper fixer-upper: from needing a central heating system installed to a complete replastering of the living room. I’d spent months thinking about having people over and looking forward to being hospitable but I knew this flat was not going to be ready for guests any time soon. It wouldn’t have been fair to bring anyone back to a flat full of dust and half finished rooms even if I gave them all rose-tinted glasses so I needed to come up with a plan to still be hospitable but in a way that worked in the here and now.
But here’s the thing: hospitality is flexible. Hospitality can take place outside of your home too. In my case, I figured that my ability to buy food and cook for people hadn’t been lost since moving into my flat so I decided to take the food to them. The beauty of this plan meant that I could still enjoy fellowship with people, get to know them and give them a night off the cooking. Even more so, I could now cook for families that wouldn’t have easily fitted round my dinner table. Ironically the point at which I felt I was going to be least hospitable was filled with opportunities to cook for people and get to know them.
It doesn’t have to be perfect
Things did settle down though. We all know the pandemic made being in each other’s lives very difficult but when the restrictions eased there was still a small part of me thinking, “I can’t be hospitable.” This time it wasn’t the dust and lack of comfy seats, it was the lack of an oven that doesn’t trip the electrics when the stove top is heating up and living with a fully delivered but not yet installed kitchen when my builders pulled out last minute. My dilemma now was whether I was in danger of getting house proud by not wanting people to see the flat until it was fully completed and ‘perfect’. For many this can sadly be a barrier to hospitality. You may compare a small flat to your parents home or the homes of other people in your Church who have amazing decor and cook amazing food. It then slowly becomes a comparison game and a pride issue.
Here’s the thing: we’ll never be fully happy with our houses, there will always be a project or a plan still to be finished. We can’t wait until our lives are perfect and finished before we let people in and share our lives with them because if we did that no one would ever make it through the front door! We fail to do that in this life let alone managing to wrangle the house into submission too! Our ability to let go of all the ideals and just let it happen can feel tested when we invite people into our homes but it’s worth the risk I promise! How much more fun is it for people to see a difference when they come a second time and a wall has been painted or that toilet roll holder is now actually attached to the wall. I was absolutely (and still am!) a work in progress as much as my flat was so I may as well let people in for a front row seat on the journey.
Although my hospitality journey hasn’t turned out like I thought it would when I was leaving home, I try not to make being single an excuse not to share my life and be hospitable. Please don’t count yourself out thinking that you’re too young or your cooking needs to improve before you ask people over. Just start and see what happens! Hospitality doesn’t just benefit the receiver, there’s just as much to be gained as the host.
Ideas to get you Started:
- Ask someone on a night when you’re already doing something with them later like a bible study or meeting. This makes it less of a ‘thing’ and makes it feel more casual. We all need to eat at some point!
- Host with a friend first, one of you can be doing the cooking and the other can be helping the conversation flow. Added bonus: then there’s someone to help with the clear up.
- Know your limits, if you only have enough seats for 4 people around your table then start small!
- If you’re still living with your parents or you’ve got other flatmates, you could maybe sync up diaries and when they are on holiday or out for the night invite people over then. Bonus points if you manage to clear up before they get home.
- Keep it simple, the food doesn’t have to be fancy or expensive, some of the best meals I’ve had with others have been as simple as baked potatoes or cheese toasties and soup.
- Get a basic cookbook if you have no idea where to start or ask for help from people in Church, they will gladly help. I like to have a snoop at people’s recipe books too. Better yet: I like to ask them what their favourite recipe from the book is, snap a pic and keep a mental note. It’s also a sneaky conversation starter: food brings people together and so far I’ve never had someone clam-up (pun unintended) when asked what their favourites are. Hmm….maybe one of these days I’ll get round to having those people over and making them their favourite.
- Think outside the box, if your place can’t cope with a whole family then ask them whether you could cook for them and bring the pot/ingredients to theirs. Especially for families with little kids, this can take the stress out of leaving the house for them as the kids still have all their toys round about them and bedtime can still happen at the normal time with the added bonus of chaos-free chat afterwards. Or if the family are ill or the kids are having an ‘off’ night offer to still make the food and take it over so that they’ve got one less thing to think about that night.
- If cooking really isn’t your thing then have people over for a takeaway or be the delivery driver that stays for the meal too.
- Spontaneous invites also work: double the recipe portions when you’re making Sunday lunch then at church when you’re having a chat with someone just ask, “What are your lunch plans?” and follow it up with “Want to come to mine?” Admittedly, I’ve also been known to ask this question without really even knowing what I was going to eat and so I’ve ended up going home via a shop to buy the food for all of us (soups from the fridge section and some bake-at-home rolls are your friend here). Also, full disclosure, many people in this church know well that I’ve asked the first question very much hoping they might invite me to theirs!